Good Reads

For some, research is the enlightenment. Below is a list of books worth checking out.

1. The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships beyond Loss by M.A., Alexanda Kennedy
2. Bereavement Ministry Program: A Comprehensive Guide for Churches by Jan C. Nelson
3. I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye Workbook: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel
4. When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults by Edward Myers

Not bad to revisit sometimes

The Stages of Grieving

1) ShockImmediately following the death, it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of disbelief.During those first days there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch.

2) Emotional ReleaseThe awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably.

3) PanicFor some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, and headaches.

4) GuiltAt this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen.

5) HostilitySome individuals feel anger at what “caused” the loss.

6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual ActivitiesThe ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person’s entire being – emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience.

7) Reconciliation of GriefBalance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different.

8) HopeThe sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories.

Approaching Anniversaries

I would love to hear of unique and special ways people have celebrated a loved one/parent's life after they've passed away. My mom's 11 yr anniversary is fast approaching, hard to believe.

Secondary Loss

I eluded to this in a previous posting; the feelings of loss everytime a new event happens in your life, but I found this and wanted to share it.

Secondary Losses
As the initial shock of death fades, it is common for the bereaved to slip into depression or feel panic. When a parent dies, you eventually experience what are known as secondary losses.

Not only have you lost a parent; in a way, you may feel you have also lost a part of your past. Your parent may have been a trusted adviser, role model, or your closest friend. It is not unusual for adults to seek a parent’s advice before they make large purchases or investments — after all, they have years of experience upon which to draw. Was your parent an advisor on child-rearing, relationships, cooking, and health? Perhaps your parents’ home was the place for family gatherings. Without your parent to fulfill all these roles, you may suddenly feel very alone.

Even if you were quite independent from your parents, you may still experience forms of secondary loss. Perhaps you hoped he/she would have lived to see you achieve an educational degree, a career or business goal, athletic accomplishment, your marriage, and their grandchildren. Their death may have preceded your marriage or the birth of your children. A parent’s absence from these important milestones is a form of secondary loss — a part of the grieving process.

The death of a parent often brings on a sense of one’s own mortality. You may become haunted by feelings of “I’m next,” especially as your generation becomes the oldest in your family line.

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While I haven't felt the "I'm next" part, the rest of this really resonated with me.

The Legacy

I'd love to hear about different ways readers have ensured their parents' legacy is intact and unique ways in which you've commemorated their lives. A friend of mine lost her father to a heart attack several years ago. He was a prosecuting attorney in her home country of Malaysia. While she was back home sorting through his things she ran across his wardrobe of ties. She recalled him wearing so many of them during her childhood that she couldn't part with them, but knew her husband wouldn't wear them, so she made them into a wall hanging. Such a great idea.

and counting

I still count things that my mom never got to experience with me, like new apartments and houses. To date, I've lived in 7 places that my hasn't seen; 4 rentals with college friends and 3 homes I've owned with my husband. I'm assured it's normal. Any change in your life makes you long to share the new experience with the parent you lost. The book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman (appropriate first name) helps me get through these unknowns and new experiences. I recommend having a copy in your nightstand.

The End

Losing a parent seems like the end. It seemed that way to me for a long time. I was overcompensating for the loss in my life and self-destructive. I didn't know how to deal with sympathy from others, I found myself consoling them...it was a part of me that I didn't know, to be pitied.

I was 20 when my Mom passed away. She was sick for a short time, one month, it just wasn't enough time to say the things I wanted to say to her, but do you really ever have enough time?
No matter how you look at it, losing a parent is painful.

This blog is about the end of my Mom's life and the beginning of my own.