Responses to traumatic events

Responses to traumatic events
Following tragedies such as these, people may experience their own difficult reactions, even though we may not have any direct connection to the event. No right or wrong reaction exists and reactions will vary by individual and past experiences. Typical responses to traumatic events may include the following:
- Physical reactions: fatigue, dizziness, rapid heart rate, sweating, difficulty breathing, weakness, and nausea.
- Cognitive reactions: confusion, nightmares, hypervigilance, blaming, poor attention/concentration, suspiciousness, and intrusive thoughts.
- Emotional reactions: fear, guilt, panic, agitation, irritability, anger, shock, anxiety, denial, and grief.
- Behavioral reactions: withdrawal, alcohol consumption, strong emotional reactions, change in appetite, change in activity, change in sexual functioning, and inability to rest.
During times of healing
With time, many of these reactions will abate. During times of healing, the following may help:
- Talk with others whom you trust about your reactions;
- Eat well, exercise, and rest as well as you can;
- Limit the amount of media coverage you watch if you feel flooded or overwhelmed by the news;
- Recognize that your reactions are normal and that the symptoms will improve with time.


Make time for students to talk

We suggest that you make time for students to talk. Taking the time will make classes run smoother because students should be able to concentrate better after sharing reactions. To open the dialogue, you might say, "I am still shaken by the events at VTU, I wonder how others are feeling."

Give time for students to respond, at least 30 seconds. Many students take time to process and may need to find the courage to talk about an emotional event.

Respond affirmatively to students by making statements such as, "I am glad you shared." "I imagine you are not alone with that reaction." "It must hurt to think about the event that way."
Normalize their reactions by sharing that they are responding to an event that overrides their ability to rationalize or make sense of it. "I understand why you are reacting in this way, this event is incomprehensible."

Ask the students what would be helpful (e.g., sending a card to faculty/students at VTU in a similar department or taking a moment of silence).

If you think a student would benefit from discussing these events with a counselor, tell students they are welcome to come in and speak with someone in a confidential setting. "I am aware that your past situation may be contributing to the difficulty you are having and it may be helpful to talk with someone at the Counseling Center about these concerns. They are located at C-36 Clark Building and their hours are from 8-5 Monday through Friday."

Good and Bad

On Losing a Parent

So now that I've gotten a little older, more of my friends and acquaintances have parents that are dying or have died. As our parents are now in our 50s, 60s or 70s, they are mostly dying of either cancer or heart failure. Given that I lost my father at 17 to heart failure, I have a little wisdom to share perhaps -- the kind that only time and experience can give you. The first week of February is the anniversary of my father's death, so it is more on my mind than usual.

When my father died, it was like a lightning strike with the audible echos of its thunder growing ever fainter each year. It was difficult and one of the things that people don't tell you lest you get discouraged is that death can actually be more difficult as you get older. I don't think that being older makes losing a parent any easier, really. At least, that is not what I observe.

So here I will provide my standard advice that I give to my friends when their mother or father has died. For you, my friend, I hope that it might give you a little perspective or comfort.
Follow the jump for the bad news and the good news (though this is not usually how I term it in person, it will give us a little structure for our conversation).

First the bad news:
You will never stop missing your mother or father. There will always be an empty chair at the dining room table. Many happy moments will be slightly darker because a light that would have shone brighter for your happiness no longer shines in this world. The active grieving will take about 2 years to come full circle. Beware that first anniversary. It will hit you harder than you might imagine.

Note though that the grieving process offers different challenges if your relationship with your mother or father was complex or distant. You will mourn not only the parent who has died but the parent you wish s/he had been. Keep your hand on the rudder through the choppy waters. The grey seas will calm, I promise. Resist the urge to lash out at the world or act out in self-destructive ways out of sadness and anger. After about 2 years, more or less, you will feel better. You will reach a new level of peace and acceptance.

On the anniversary or around that time, you may get sick or feel inexplicably tired. You may feel clingy and needy for affection and attention. You may have trouble concentrating or feel preoccupied that day or that week or that month -- you may even not know exactly why. This is normal. Don't fight it. It is natural to remember. Instead, take the opportunity to be generous with yourself. Slow down. Do what you can that day and be patient. The feeling will pass.

The good news:

It's hard to explain in words but once your mother and father have died, while no one and nothing can take their place, you will feel as though they are with you in a whole new way, all the time. In a way they could never have been on this plane of existence.

This feeling can take a lot of forms. Some people suddenly may feel like things are clicking for them. You may feel a warmth, a light or a presence around you at times that you can't define. You may have dreams about your mother or father in which they talk to you about things you never discussed before. You may feel a lightness or a relief. Your priorities may change. There is no need to feel guilty about this. These feelings too are normal.

There's still so little understanding about our souls, our spirits and what happens to them when we die. I can't give you the answers to that. All I can tell you is that while I still miss my father at times, I do feel him with me from time to time in a very special way. I know he is looking out for me and somehow knows when I'm ok and when I'm not.

This is a real gift. Death is a natural part of life. The death of a parent is an event most of us will experience in our lives. It is a rite of passage. It is our birthright -- that we will know death and experience that larger communication with all that is (if we are open to it). That we will experience love that death cannot destroy. That we will be left behind to continue the work of contributing to a better world. When a parent re-joins the One, all that is, they go to "study war no more." That is a typical African-American philosophy around death as is the concept of "going home." Remember the things that they taught you and try to be a better person for seeing how she or he lived their life. That's what your mother or father would want for you. Let the knowledge that your mother or father has gone home -- "home" being a good place, where we all will go one day -- bring some comfort to you and dry some of your tears. Your tears, after all, are shed for you. Your mother or father is in a place beyond tears as we know them. That is their birthright.

Effects of losing a parent

Dealing with a Commitment-phobe

A commitment phobia is a fear and subsequent avoidance of having to commit to anything — especially a relationship. Being involved with someone afraid of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition, being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either; life is pretty lonely.

While there may be many reasons for this fear, it often begins when a child has a loss of an important person in their life. When a child experiences losing a parent to divorce or if a child’s parent dies; the loss can be so traumatic that the child may always fear losing a loved one. This fear of loss and rejection keeps the commitment-phobe from risking getting attached to anyone. Being a witness to spousal abuse may also induce a fear, a fear of getting hurt or being a hurter and cause the child witness to grow into an adult who never wants to get married.

If you have ever dated someone who says they want to be with you desperately and seems to chase you with incredible zeal till they catch you — and then suddenly turns cool and critical? You may have stumbled onto a commitment-phobe..There are several typical behaviors for the start of a relationship:

1. At first, they have aggressive interest, give lots of compliments and professions of love. Once they know you’re hooked, they suddenly create distance, act trapped, “need space”, criticize you and almost seem to search for a good reason to break up.
2. When a relationship is working well, they annoy or hurt you in an attempt to blow the relationship up.
3. They get very involved and then break up, only to come back to you and break up again and again.
4. They cannot discuss marriage or even living together.
5. They have unrealistic ideas of how perfect someone has to be for them.6. They pick “unavailable” partners so they don’t have to worry about commitment.

If you know you have a fear of commitments, getting psychotherapy to understand the roots of your fear and resolve them can really help.

If you are in a relationship with someone that you think has a fear of commitment, try to discuss it with them. Be empathetic rather than critical, which will only drive them away. Tell them you understand that it is scary for them but that in order for you to stay with them, they have to get help. If, however, you can see the signs in someone before you are in too deep, you might want to move along to a partner without this issue. Working out intimacy with someone afraid of it is no easy task.

There could be a lot of heartache in store, with no certainty of a possible happy ending. It could be time to go looking for a more stable possibility and hope for satisfaction.

A Poem by WH Auden

In Honour of my Father's 15th year this month.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden