Good and Bad

On Losing a Parent

So now that I've gotten a little older, more of my friends and acquaintances have parents that are dying or have died. As our parents are now in our 50s, 60s or 70s, they are mostly dying of either cancer or heart failure. Given that I lost my father at 17 to heart failure, I have a little wisdom to share perhaps -- the kind that only time and experience can give you. The first week of February is the anniversary of my father's death, so it is more on my mind than usual.

When my father died, it was like a lightning strike with the audible echos of its thunder growing ever fainter each year. It was difficult and one of the things that people don't tell you lest you get discouraged is that death can actually be more difficult as you get older. I don't think that being older makes losing a parent any easier, really. At least, that is not what I observe.

So here I will provide my standard advice that I give to my friends when their mother or father has died. For you, my friend, I hope that it might give you a little perspective or comfort.
Follow the jump for the bad news and the good news (though this is not usually how I term it in person, it will give us a little structure for our conversation).

First the bad news:
You will never stop missing your mother or father. There will always be an empty chair at the dining room table. Many happy moments will be slightly darker because a light that would have shone brighter for your happiness no longer shines in this world. The active grieving will take about 2 years to come full circle. Beware that first anniversary. It will hit you harder than you might imagine.

Note though that the grieving process offers different challenges if your relationship with your mother or father was complex or distant. You will mourn not only the parent who has died but the parent you wish s/he had been. Keep your hand on the rudder through the choppy waters. The grey seas will calm, I promise. Resist the urge to lash out at the world or act out in self-destructive ways out of sadness and anger. After about 2 years, more or less, you will feel better. You will reach a new level of peace and acceptance.

On the anniversary or around that time, you may get sick or feel inexplicably tired. You may feel clingy and needy for affection and attention. You may have trouble concentrating or feel preoccupied that day or that week or that month -- you may even not know exactly why. This is normal. Don't fight it. It is natural to remember. Instead, take the opportunity to be generous with yourself. Slow down. Do what you can that day and be patient. The feeling will pass.

The good news:

It's hard to explain in words but once your mother and father have died, while no one and nothing can take their place, you will feel as though they are with you in a whole new way, all the time. In a way they could never have been on this plane of existence.

This feeling can take a lot of forms. Some people suddenly may feel like things are clicking for them. You may feel a warmth, a light or a presence around you at times that you can't define. You may have dreams about your mother or father in which they talk to you about things you never discussed before. You may feel a lightness or a relief. Your priorities may change. There is no need to feel guilty about this. These feelings too are normal.

There's still so little understanding about our souls, our spirits and what happens to them when we die. I can't give you the answers to that. All I can tell you is that while I still miss my father at times, I do feel him with me from time to time in a very special way. I know he is looking out for me and somehow knows when I'm ok and when I'm not.

This is a real gift. Death is a natural part of life. The death of a parent is an event most of us will experience in our lives. It is a rite of passage. It is our birthright -- that we will know death and experience that larger communication with all that is (if we are open to it). That we will experience love that death cannot destroy. That we will be left behind to continue the work of contributing to a better world. When a parent re-joins the One, all that is, they go to "study war no more." That is a typical African-American philosophy around death as is the concept of "going home." Remember the things that they taught you and try to be a better person for seeing how she or he lived their life. That's what your mother or father would want for you. Let the knowledge that your mother or father has gone home -- "home" being a good place, where we all will go one day -- bring some comfort to you and dry some of your tears. Your tears, after all, are shed for you. Your mother or father is in a place beyond tears as we know them. That is their birthright.